These are all separate, but not titled. I'll just number them. No specific dates or order really...just a jumble. I think I needed to see them more clearly than they appear in my journal.

1.
I haven't let myself see
The simple things for a long time.
I think they've hidden
Behind the proverbial cloud that
I so deliberately placed over my head.
That is no place for bright dreams
To make a sparkling life.
When they drop splish splash
To the ground I will
Pick them up
Dust them off
And hold them up to see
The world they can now conquer.

2.
The sky turned gray
And unhappy,
But my arms hugged the hand
You place on my thigh
And I smiled; that's all
That mattered.
Those white and beige houses
Rose from the grass
And between the trees,
I thought of evenings
Spent scraping burnt veggies
From a steaming pan
Because I can't cook
And I so badly want to try.
One day our kids will be
Jersey kids and I'll be
Happier than I've ever been.

3.
When I'm giving a speech
I feel naked in front of all those eyes,
Which may be looking at me
But the ears aren't filling with my words.
Which is fine with me,
But it's just the thought
Of all those eyes,
Which may be looking at me.

4.
I'm going to live a big life
That people will be able
To read in their tea leaves:
Like prophets.
I want to be astonishing
And known for me
My silly attempts
That aren't silly to others.
I'll work on that.

5.
Altering frame of mind
Alters perspective on everything-
Suddenly you don't need
What you once thought
And material things disappear.
I want to be light, pale, and
Anxiety-less.
Maybe my surroundings help
Me destroy myself;
Maybe my insides help
Me destroy myself.

6.
What makes us need
The extraction of that last bit
From others until they're plastic
And we're left with bags
Not of plastic, but blood?
What was once floating inside them.
But then we turn on ourselves
Need more
Get more
Suck it out through a syringe
Or a pair of scissors.
Bag of bones
Teeth and jewelry left
What else is left?
Nothing, not gold, white, silver
Primary, pure colors
Look how straight I walk - no -
Float along, barely touching,
No baggage - saddle baggage.
But no more red coats either - 
What can I extract now?

7.
It stings, but it's faithful
And it's a constant certainty.
It never betrays and I lean
Towards my drawer
Because inside, wrapped
In a soft cloth, like a savior child,
Is shining cold that
Will soothe my fevered wrist
So I won't cry hot tears anymore
And ,I can go on on more day (night).

8.
Hands like tiger paws
That wrap around me
Like my tattered bathrobe,
Comforting and oddly sensual,
Next to pale, warm skin.
You love making me come-
Straining my muscles, the
Sinews straining but never
Breaking. No, never.
During the day I'm like a
Stiff two-by-four.
But at night on damp sheets
I twist like fog around
Your strong torso, holding on
To an anchor,
Writhing like a snake
I curl myself around you
And the only way I feel okay
Is to be a part of you
With you inside me,
Like a cave.
I cannot let you go
But I don't want to
Keep dark prisoners.
I want our dance to be
Beautiful, and I'm
Not enough to keep it
That way.

9.
I try to reach out for you
But my cold hands snag
At my sides; held back by what?
That invisible force that
Pins me like a dog:
I am made of bones,
But you must dig to find them.

All day I sit and suffer
As it rings and echoes,
Barking off the walls of my skull.
Begging for scraps that
It just steals anyway.
Where is our paradise,
And can I sleep on your shoulder on the way?

Foam seeps from the corners
Of my mouth like melting ice,
But I hide my rabidity.
You don't like it; who can blame you?
I cringe to think of those weeks
That you'll be gone again,
And I'll be waiting by the door, hopeful.

Taking out the trash was
A terrible procession to the grave-
It gnawed at me as I dumped
Them down: "Why couldn't
You be more careful?"
But I sit and heel when commanded,
And there were no authoritative shouts with this.

You came with no instructions
And I screwed it up
Now you're my master and
That's okay, except for
This biting that's hanging
On to me like a vampire bat-
But that's really my cross to bear.

10.
I heard shades of silver,
Like fish scales in the sun,
Make blue eyes look bluer;
I put that stupid tin can
Eye shadow on softly,
Just so you'd have the pleasure
Of looking into two faux
Swimming pools.
I should've known you'd
Come first and last and in the middle,
Too.
That eye shadow never had a chance.

11.
Today I pictured you running
Through labyrinths of trees
While the early springtime birds
Sang over your curls, and
God nodded at me with approval.
You were beautiful, and
Your hair was perfect ringlets,
Like when you run the sharp side
Of scissors over ribbon.
It blew around your fragile ears
In cinnamon waves,
And I regretted losing you in August.

12.
Nothing.
My senses are alive and
Thirsty, for the dew at 8 am,
And I would do anything for you.
But, as usual, a cold shoulder
Matches the morning air.
I want to wrap around you
And curl up so your body heat
Blasts me and I feel alive,
But I don't warrant a warm embrace.
I'll be back, though I should know better.

13.
I need a soft tune to spread
A blanket 'round my ears
And calm my racing thoughts.
They're a tireless dragon,
Constantly breathing so
The fires of past regrets
Are kindled and I fall on my knees,
Gripping my head in a scream
Of madness-
But, after all, I bring it on myself.
"Crazy" people do that
And all the world can do
Is look on and smile sadly,
Wondering where this
Wayfaring child has gotten to;
What demons did she create
And release unto herself?
But it's no matter,
Because they will all occupy
Themselves tonight
With a few white or pink or blue
Pills,
And a bottle of red wine.

14.
I am no Helen
And have never set foot
On the wide-set streets of Troy,
But I sometimes think
About how easy my life might be
If I was, and I had.

I have a piercing headache from complete lack of sleep. I was so overtired last night that I had to try to keep myself up to finish a paper, and I think I wound myself up by keeping my music on and stuff like that, so now I'm just screwed. I went to bed at 3 am, woke up different times during the night at like 5, 5:30, etc. Then I had to get up this morning at 7:30...NOT good.

Hopefully we can go downtown tonight or maybe even just to King of Prussia. I wanna get a little gussied up...:)

xoxo

Starting the Atkins diet tomorrow..mostly because I literally feel huge and I want to look and feel better than this point right now. I just wish I had regular access to a scale, but I don't as of right now. Maybe in the gym at school, but that's kind of awkward. Anyway, I want to do it without starving myself, because I have no willpower and I LOVE food. This diet allows you to have a lot of fruits and veggies (mostly veggies), and meat as well which is definitely more satisfying; I just have to cut down a LOT on carbs. The goal is to get my body to go into ketosis, and then slowly introduce carbs into my diet again. Hopefully I'll stick with it...I really want to do this this time.

On another note...it's interesting to me that while I'm always so preoccupied with my own problems (and we all know I have plenty of those), so many people are just as insecure as I am. It's amazing how much a normal person hides just behind their eyes. I guess being a selfish college student is not unusual for someone my age, but I guess it is good to also be able to listen to other people's problems. I'm sure it's helpful...

xoxo

I always tend to do this, just kind of sit in front of my computer and do nothing even though a pile of homework sits behind me, breathing down my neck. I read what I had to read for English though, and the only thing left really for tonight is to read half a paragraph in French and HOPEFULLY that will only take a few minutes, right? 

This weekend should be good because I moved my check up until next week...and actually I have to call them back (they probably friggen hate my voice) and schedule it for Wednesday. The women there are probably like "Oh..it's THAT girl again. The dumb one." Well, in regards to all that, it's been going a lot better since I've been back at school obviously because I just don't have the time to harp on all the details. I was lying in bed this afternoon, walking that tightrope between dreamy shadows and sharp reality when I began to think about that day. It was cold and white and there was a poster of a tropical waterfall above my head. They were talking about grocery stores and laughing, to put me at ease, and I was moaning and writhing. Chasing Cars was playing. Sometimes I'd rather remember just pieces of that day, because if I think too deeply about the whole thing I will cry. I started to write a lot more because who can I talk about this with other than a journal? Lined, white pages are less judgemental and stressful to deal with. That's not entirely fair, but I am not trying to put anybody down by talking about this. I am just trying to get my feelings out. My big, scary, boulder-like feelings.

I'm afraid of the future. I go on, though. I've learned to be stronger and it really does help to keep that up.

xoxo

it's my birthday!!!!!!!!!!



i'm so happy :)

<3