You're my...

some poems: silly

2008-03-31T03:51:37Z

These are all separate, but not titled. I'll just number them. No specific dates or order really...just a jumble. I think I needed to see them more clearly than they appear in my journal.

1.
I haven't let myself see
The simple things for a long time.
I think they've hidden
Behind the proverbial cloud that
I so deliberately placed over my head.
That is no place for bright dreams
To make a sparkling life.
When they drop splish splash
To the ground I will
Pick them up
Dust them off
And hold them up to see
The world they can now conquer.

2.
The sky turned gray
And unhappy,
But my arms hugged the hand
You place on my thigh
And I smiled; that's all
That mattered.
Those white and beige houses
Rose from the grass
And between the trees,
I thought of evenings
Spent scraping burnt veggies
From a steaming pan
Because I can't cook
And I so badly want to try.
One day our kids will be
Jersey kids and I'll be
Happier than I've ever been.

3.
When I'm giving a speech
I feel naked in front of all those eyes,
Which may be looking at me
But the ears aren't filling with my words.
Which is fine with me,
But it's just the thought
Of all those eyes,
Which may be looking at me.

4.
I'm going to live a big life
That people will be able
To read in their tea leaves:
Like prophets.
I want to be astonishing
And known for me
My silly attempts
That aren't silly to others.
I'll work on that.

5.
Altering frame of mind
Alters perspective on everything-
Suddenly you don't need
What you once thought
And material things disappear.
I want to be light, pale, and
Anxiety-less.
Maybe my surroundings help
Me destroy myself;
Maybe my insides help
Me destroy myself.

6.
What makes us need
The extraction of that last bit
From others until they're plastic
And we're left with bags
Not of plastic, but blood?
What was once floating inside them.
But then we turn on ourselves
Need more
Get more
Suck it out through a syringe
Or a pair of scissors.
Bag of bones
Teeth and jewelry left
What else is left?
Nothing, not gold, white, silver
Primary, pure colors
Look how straight I walk - no -
Float along, barely touching,
No baggage - saddle baggage.
But no more red coats either -
What can I extract now?

7.
It stings, but it's faithful
And it's a constant certainty.
It never betrays and I lean
Towards my drawer
Because inside, wrapped
In a soft cloth, like a savior child,
Is shining cold that
Will soothe my fevered wrist
So I won't cry hot tears anymore
And ,I can go on on more day (night).

8.
Hands like tiger paws
That wrap around me
Like my tattered bathrobe,
Comforting and oddly sensual,
Next to pale, warm skin.
You love making me come-
Straining my muscles, the
Sinews straining but never
Breaking. No, never.
During the day I'm like a
Stiff two-by-four.
But at night on damp sheets
I twist like fog around
Your strong torso, holding on
To an anchor,
Writhing like a snake
I curl myself around you
And the only way I feel okay
Is to be a part of you
With you inside me,
Like a cave.
I cannot let you go
But I don't want to
Keep dark prisoners.
I want our dance to be
Beautiful, and I'm
Not enough to keep it
That way.

9.
I try to reach out for you
But my cold hands snag
At my sides; held back by what?
That invisible force that
Pins me like a dog:
I am made of bones,
But you must dig to find them.

All day I sit and suffer
As it rings and echoes,
Barking off the walls of my skull.
Begging for scraps that
It just steals anyway.
Where is our paradise,
And can I sleep on your shoulder on the way?

Foam seeps from the corners
Of my mouth like melting ice,
But I hide my rabidity.
You don't like it; who can blame you?
I cringe to think of those weeks
That you'll be gone again,
And I'll be waiting by the door, hopeful.

Taking out the trash was
A terrible procession to the grave-
It gnawed at me as I dumped
Them down: "Why couldn't
You be more careful?"
But I sit and heel when commanded,
And there were no authoritative shouts with this.

You came with no instructions
And I screwed it up
Now you're my master and
That's okay, except for
This biting that's hanging
On to me like a vampire bat-
But that's really my cross to bear.

10.
I heard shades of silver,
Like fish scales in the sun,
Make blue eyes look bluer;
I put that stupid tin can
Eye shadow on softly,
Just so you'd have the pleasure
Of looking into two faux
Swimming pools.
I should've known you'd
Come first and last and in the middle,
Too.
That eye shadow never had a chance.

11.
Today I pictured you running
Through labyrinths of trees
While the early springtime birds
Sang over your curls, and
God nodded at me with approval.
You were beautiful, and
Your hair was perfect ringlets,
Like when you run the sharp side
Of scissors over ribbon.
It blew around your fragile ears
In cinnamon waves,
And I regretted losing you in August.

12.
Nothing.
My senses are alive and
Thirsty, for the dew at 8 am,
And I would do anything for you.
But, as usual, a cold shoulder
Matches the morning air.
I want to wrap around you
And curl up so your body heat
Blasts me and I feel alive,
But I don't warrant a warm embrace.
I'll be back, though I should know better.

13.
I need a soft tune to spread
A blanket 'round my ears
And calm my racing thoughts.
They're a tireless dragon,
Constantly breathing so
The fires of past regrets
Are kindled and I fall on my knees,
Gripping my head in a scream
Of madness-
But, after all, I bring it on myself.
"Crazy" people do that
And all the world can do
Is look on and smile sadly,
Wondering where this
Wayfaring child has gotten to;
What demons did she create
And release unto herself?
But it's no matter,
Because they will all occupy
Themselves tonight
With a few white or pink or blue
Pills,
And a bottle of red wine.

14.
I am no Helen
And have never set foot
On the wide-set streets of Troy,
But I sometimes think
About how easy my life might be
If I was, and I had.

exhaustion

2008-01-17T01:47:30Z

I'm really tired. I had an okay week but all these little things happened that threw me off center. I think with him being away it screwed me up too...after a few nights out with Amber I just wanted a quiet night at home with my baby.

After work tomorrow it'll all look better....I hope.

crash_72 @ 2007-12-15T15:16:00

2007-12-15T20:17:20Z

Fuck it!

crash_72 @ 2007-12-09T21:16:00

2007-12-10T02:16:57Z

What am I supposed to do? Who can help me?

Christmas music

2007-11-28T04:55:53Z

I've spent a better part of the day just reading and relaxing. This week I don't have a terribly huge amount of work, so I think my mind is taking advantage of that. I finished Maeve Binchy's "Quentins," and I'm beginning to think that she is one of my favorite authors. Her books are so full of hope and happiness, and I know that sounds sappy, but it's a huge comfort to me. True friends are hard to come by anymore and her books are overflowing with them.

Everybody has always loved eating in Ireland and the family always gathered around the table - which was also where all the stories were told.
Maeve Binchy

Reading her books, of course, makes me want to visit Ireland so badly. I'm Irish and I'm proud of where I come from, and I think I can blame that on Pop Pop :). He introduced me to all the Irish songs I know now and my ideas of what Ireland is. I think of the endless greenery and it makes me want to go away there for awhile.

I could never love again as much as I love you.

2007-10-19T11:59:32Z

I have a piercing headache from complete lack of sleep. I was so overtired last night that I had to try to keep myself up to finish a paper, and I think I wound myself up by keeping my music on and stuff like that, so now I'm just screwed. I went to bed at 3 am, woke up different times during the night at like 5, 5:30, etc. Then I had to get up this morning at 7:30...NOT good.

Hopefully we can go downtown tonight or maybe even just to King of Prussia. I wanna get a little gussied up...:)

xoxo

Brick - Ben Folds Five

2007-10-17T03:07:35Z

6 am day after christmas
I throw some clothes on in
The dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping and
I am numb
Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down
To charlotte
Theyre not home to find us
Out
And we drive
Now that I have founds someone
Im feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

Chorus
Shes a brick and Im drowning
Slowly
Off the coast and Im headed
Nowhere
Shes a brick and Im drowning
Slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her
Flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Cant you see
Its not me youre dying for
Now shes feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

Chorus

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son its time
To tell the truth
And she broke down and I broke
Down
cause I was tired of lying
Driving back to her apartment
For the moment were alone
Shes alone
And Im alone
Now I know it

Chorus

Cocaine

2007-10-16T03:11:30Z

I am thinking about cutting tonight...I'm not depressed, not at all. I just want to. I want to feel high...I wish I had pills, or alcohol, or anything. I don't know what it is but I want to feel a thrill...I guess I want to feel anything. I feel content, but it's not enough. I still feel empty and like I'm going nowhere. Maybe I am a little depressed...who knows? I feel okay...but lately when I feel angry or upset it comes quickly and sharply. I feel like theres a void inside me and it sucks all the feeling into it...so most of the time I feel nothing. Feeling numb is the scariest thing in the world...it makes me do horrible things to myself. I'll cut myself raw, or drink myself into oblivion. I'm just so unsatisfied. What is WRONG with me?

What if i cut tonight?

crash_72 @ 2007-10-09T22:06:00

2007-10-10T02:06:54Z

I'm just sad.

crash_72 @ 2007-09-20T20:51:00

2007-09-21T00:56:03Z

I don't know what's wrong with me, but what I do know is that I will probably bleed tonight. I am tired and I am groggy and I am wilting inside. I haven't been responding to much the past few days, and I think I need some help. My source left me though, so now what? I guess I just wait it out, you know? I wish I wasn't me. That's my biggest problem. I am disgusted with myself and everything that I do and say and I disgust everyone around me. I don't know how I can hide anymore...I wear make up every day so that I am not completely hideous to other people, but that will never hide my ugliness from myself. I've been trying to do work so I don't offend people with my ignorance and stupidity, but I learned today that that's not working and my French professor thinks I'm a special needs student because I never talk. I think this is the first time in a long time that I actually want to die. I want to gas myself to death so I can just fall asleep and never wake up. I want to burn myself and cut myself and I want to feel so much physical pain that the mental pain can't squeak through the cracks and I'll be able to be numb for even a few hours. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Cha cha cha

2007-09-18T15:50:21Z

I have to leave for work in 5 minutes...hopefully no one comes in so I can write this damn French paper. The movie was gay, btw. I'm excited for today though!! It's so nice out and I want to walk around and be outside for awhile. Yesss :D.

<3

comly rd.

2007-09-16T05:04:23Z

i'm locked inside my own head
a cage of my own making
and my limbs are erratic with exhaustion
and my brain is limp with darting around
but i cannot control my emotional punches
nor my physical ramblings
and i don't know how to clear them up
so that my blemishes won't show through
and i won't have to explain to everyone
that i'm just not okay anymore
and that this facade truly is the only thing
holding me back from a room of plush walls.

I know now, you're my only hope

2007-09-14T03:18:05Z

Talking to Holly about boy troubles, or talking to anyone about them really, is interesting. It makes me think about my own situation and I think I need to do more of that. That's not supposed to sound so ominous?

I have cramps :(

Fly

2007-09-10T18:33:20Z

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

-Celine Dion

Sometimes you'll win, sometimes you won't

2007-09-07T02:18:39Z

Starting the Atkins diet tomorrow..mostly because I literally feel huge and I want to look and feel better than this point right now. I just wish I had regular access to a scale, but I don't as of right now. Maybe in the gym at school, but that's kind of awkward. Anyway, I want to do it without starving myself, because I have no willpower and I LOVE food. This diet allows you to have a lot of fruits and veggies (mostly veggies), and meat as well which is definitely more satisfying; I just have to cut down a LOT on carbs. The goal is to get my body to go into ketosis, and then slowly introduce carbs into my diet again. Hopefully I'll stick with it...I really want to do this this time.

On another note...it's interesting to me that while I'm always so preoccupied with my own problems (and we all know I have plenty of those), so many people are just as insecure as I am. It's amazing how much a normal person hides just behind their eyes. I guess being a selfish college student is not unusual for someone my age, but I guess it is good to also be able to listen to other people's problems. I'm sure it's helpful...

xoxo

Don't lose the dreams inside your head

2007-09-06T02:09:23Z

I'm glad to be getting back into the swing of things with people, so to speak. I have this dual thing going on in my brain, where I'll want to spend my weekends with him and be protected and safe, and then the other half wants to be at school and see what's going on here. A lot of the time though, I pick him over school because I just feel good with him. He's constant and certain, and at school things aren't so certain. I don't like to get out of my comfort zone, and that zone is pretty small.

I have been procrastinating LIKE CRAZY today, taking small naps in between classes or whatever. That's really bad because first of all it means that I'm way too tired to function and it means that I'm making my work pile up even more so, of course, I'm inflicting this pain all on myself. FIGURES. Tomorrow shouldn;t be bad at all, just history and then working at the writing center where I'll be able to get some work done. Then the rest of the day I REALLY have to do work, and then maybe at night I'll be able to hang out with Cara or something.

Blah night, not a lot to write about.

xoxo

Pieces of the Sun

2007-09-05T03:30:25Z

I always tend to do this, just kind of sit in front of my computer and do nothing even though a pile of homework sits behind me, breathing down my neck. I read what I had to read for English though, and the only thing left really for tonight is to read half a paragraph in French and HOPEFULLY that will only take a few minutes, right?

This weekend should be good because I moved my check up until next week...and actually I have to call them back (they probably friggen hate my voice) and schedule it for Wednesday. The women there are probably like "Oh..it's THAT girl again. The dumb one." Well, in regards to all that, it's been going a lot better since I've been back at school obviously because I just don't have the time to harp on all the details. I was lying in bed this afternoon, walking that tightrope between dreamy shadows and sharp reality when I began to think about that day. It was cold and white and there was a poster of a tropical waterfall above my head. They were talking about grocery stores and laughing, to put me at ease, and I was moaning and writhing. Chasing Cars was playing. Sometimes I'd rather remember just pieces of that day, because if I think too deeply about the whole thing I will cry. I started to write a lot more because who can I talk about this with other than a journal? Lined, white pages are less judgemental and stressful to deal with. That's not entirely fair, but I am not trying to put anybody down by talking about this. I am just trying to get my feelings out. My big, scary, boulder-like feelings.

I'm afraid of the future. I go on, though. I've learned to be stronger and it really does help to keep that up.

xoxo

Wicked

2007-09-02T15:47:31Z

ELPHABA
Kiss Me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not forsee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some border line
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's up that I fell

BOTH
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO
Say there's no future
For us as a pair

BOTH
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
(spoken)
What is it?(etc.)

ELPHABA
(spoken)
It's just for the first time,
I feel ... wicked

crash_72 @ 2007-07-11T01:58:00

2007-07-11T05:59:24Z

it's my birthday!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so happy :)

crash_72 @ 2007-06-20T01:24:00

2007-06-20T05:26:56Z

crash_72 @ 2007-06-12T23:08:00

2007-06-13T03:08:46Z

i hate everyone

Naked

2007-06-11T15:22:04Z

I'm happy :)

ani difranco lyrics

2007-05-15T01:42:09Z

you cried and you cried and you cried wolf
so it took me a minute to understand
that you really were hurt bad 
that day you deeply cut your hand
and then that look that you gave me
sent me rushing through guilt's door
i'd already started to feel callous 
like i really should care more

it was my work that kept me upright
so you called it a crutch
while i drifted off 
into dreams of such and such
and by the time we'd come full circle 
we knew exactly what to do
just keep looking at the triangle 
instead of what it's pointing to

but you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station 
pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says 'yours'
when that ain't what you get

it flows and flows away from me
my love is a stream
your love is a vaudeville show
so charming and obscene
we both had our moments
we both had our fun
and then i hated to prove 'em all right
all those who said i'd run

but you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station
pretending you're being met
you can't keep wearing a sign that says 'yours'
when that ain't what you get

crash_72 @ 2007-05-08T11:32:00

2007-05-08T15:32:43Z

Done for the summer....tons of bags...but i don't care!!!! I'm going home soon!!!!

<333

crash

2007-05-07T16:38:05Z

I'm really unhappy and I don't know how to fix it. I feel really unsatisfied and disgusted with myself, but how do I get away from myself? How do I fix myself? I've been trying to do that for years. I don't know what I want. I feel like crying because I'm so frustrated. First, I need to get out of here...and then...I don't even know.